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5:26PM

tired of this. just tired.

i'd write something more creative and artistic if i could. but i'm not who i wish i could be.

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10:10PM

i'm tired of roger and andrew and their noisyass friends. i'm tired of hiding in my suite so i don't get busted too if they get nailed for posession. i am tired of living with other people. arg!

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3:29PM

howdy ho

so school has gotten a little better, and i'm getting into the swing of thing, classwise.
Degree declarations went well.
Thursdays are a bummer, I start class at 10am and don't get a break until 430. sucks
Friday makes up for it though. I didn't realize until just now that I have no friday class anymore, now that I switched out of Anthro and into Philosophy. Sweet. Granted, I don't go and get wasted like a tool so it doesnt really matter in that sense that I get an extra weekend day, but it will make it easier to take short weekend trips now and again.. could leave thursday by 6 or friday morning and be wherever I wanted till Sunday. sweet.

anyhow... i'm trying again to get fitter, so... until i give up in a few days, i'm gonna go try and run around like a fool in the humidity and mud.

toodles

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1:41AM

got me some papers signed today, and now my college career has a definite and actual path (aside from a hell of a lot of video games and music). i'm a Philosophy and PPL dual major. ppl is philosophy, politics, and law. i won't mind the redundancy ;)

i'm also thinking of running for Pres in our building or for the community (if the community, it would only be to fight big rob for it. i don't trust him.)

wiped out. lots of work to do.

good night.

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11:31PM

this place sucks.

i want home.
i want summer.

miserable.

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1:53AM - <ramble

Summer's almost over, and I'm not really sure what to say about that.

Ups and downs, twists and turns... it reminded me of last year, but... different.

This summer felt much shorter. It also felt much less mysterious and exciting. Less adventuresome.

Sure, I had some great times, and I tried my best to enjoy myself and I had time well spent with great people..I appreciate that time and those people very much, don't get me wrong.

but it started off on a sour note for me...and then everything from mid-May on felt different. Like my sunglass lenses had a different tint. Like my irises covered my pupils and my realities shifted. things have become unfamiliar to me.
and that's the point of this entry, i guess. school's about to start up, fullthrottle all the way... and with every second that passes through me, i have a different emotion about it. i'd like to return to school for some reasons.. i'd like to be here for others.

this year will be wierd. i'm mentally prepared for a duplicate of last year, but this will be a new world. a new experience.. i've got a lot of issues to straighten out. a lot of settling in to do. a lot of things to take care of.
i need to find some maturity. kill my procrastination. get my courses straightened out, kick their asses, and turn myself into the person i'd most like to be. the person that i'll be happy with. (hah. i almost fooled myself into buying into a peptalk. almost. too bad the hook didnt catch.)

whatever.

/ramble>

Current mood: discontent

Current music: the annoying part of that jason mraz song.

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1:46AM - hrm...

This isn't very befitting the mood I'm in right about now, but the song is stuck in my head and.. I get so wonderfully lost in it when I think about hearing it. I float..I calm down.. and whenever I hear it, I think of The Bureau concert where I first heard this song... and the one soaring part inbetween verses... It stole me. Not so much the words, necessarily... They're not all words to me. Some of them are just sounds... instrumental... well, not noises, but... they're notes that blend so well... they're not words. They're....emotion. Condensed emotion.

I'm not feelin' it now. But it's still stuck in my head. So I'm posting these words and hopefully you can mentally supply the warmth of the instruments yourself.

Crazy how it feels tonight
Crazy how you make it all alright love
You crush me with the things you do
I do for you anything too
Sitting smoking feeling high
In this moment it feels so right
Lovely lady
I am at your feet
God I want you so badly
I wonder this
Could tomorrow be
So wondrous as you there sleeping
Let's go drive 'till morning comes
Watch the sunrise to fill our souls up
Drink some wine 'till we get drunk
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
Here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
Is this real or am I dreaming
Lovely lady
Let me drink you please
I won't spill a drop I promise you
Lying under this spell you cast on me
Each moment
The more I love you
Crush me
Come on
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
Here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
Is it real or am I dreaming
Lovely lady
I will treat you sweetly
Adore you I mean you crush me
It's times like these
When my faith I feel
And I know how I love you
Come on
Lady
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just as long as you're around
And here I'll be dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
To each other we'll be facing
By love we'll beat back the pain we've found
You know
I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside
My friend
With each moment the more I love you
Crush me
Come on
So much you have given love
That I would give you back again and again
Meaning I'll hold you
And please let me always
(dave matthews band - "crush")

Current mood: sleepy

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12:36AM - I speak none Braille

I have become alien to myself.
I understand myself no better than my bird does. I can read my own thoughts, emotions, and needs about as well as I can read semaphore: Not Too Good.

shut up. grammar i messed up purposelly.

i am a cork, floating over and through waves, sliding to and fro as the tides rise and sink.
i am a feather, floating over clouds and through the air, twisting and tumbling without a path.
i am a litle boy, floating in the body of a slightly bigger boy, wringing my hands and waiting for someone to tell me what to do with myself.

and with that, i've hit the nail right on the head.

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6:27PM - An Irish Blessing

May the blessing of light be with you --

light outside and light within.

May sunlight shine upon you and warm your heart

'til it glows like a great peat fire

so that the stranger may come and warm himself by it.

May a blessed light shine out of your two eyes

like a candle set in two windows of a house,

bidding the wanderer to come in out of the storm.

May you ever give a kindly greeting to those whom you pass

as you go along the roads.

May the blessing of the rain -- the sweet, soft rain -- fall upon you

so that little flowers may spring up to shed their sweetness in the air.

May the blessings of the earth -- the good, rich earth -- be with you.

May the earth be soft under you when you rest upon it,

tired at the end of the day.

May earth rest easy over you when at lthe last you lie under it.

May earth rest so lightly over you that your spirit

may be out from under it quickly,

and up, and off,

and on its way to God.

Current mood: contemplative

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1:52AM - An Affirmation of Purpose

-I was put here, on this beautiful, misused planet for a reason. Indeed, most, if not all of us were.
-I serve a purpose. Or, rather, I should be serving a purpose.
-I shall act to determine my purpose, and once I think I understand it, I shall move with all speed to achieve the goals that I have interpreted as being to me.
-It is my duty to fulfill my role, my purpose, my reason for being here, and while doing so, respect this Earth, its inhabitants, its coverings, and those people who's purposes seem to be honorable, well-intentioned, and just, while understanding that my scope is not the end-all be-all of any understanding or existence.
-In having a purpose and trying in good faith to understand it and fulfill it, I myself am also worthy of respect, granted I have earned it.
-I believe that key, core ideals belong to those of us seeking to fulfill our purposes, tools to achieve merit, but further still, they are necessary for efficient, peaceful work, and will raise the chances of the success of us all. We, as imperfect humans, naturally will not sustain these for all or even most of the duration of our stay here, but they are what we should be striving for nonetheless. This list is hardly all encompassing.
-- Dignity
-- Communication
-- Honesty
-- Compassion
-- Tolerance
-- Peace
-- Justice
-- Understanding
-- Humanity
-- Respect of life, property, one's impact on all of one's surroundings, etc.
-- Patience
-- Good Will
-- Quiet
-- A tendency to listen more than one speaks

-I believe that endeavors are bolstered by patient premeditation, synoptic consideration, and wisdom. All of these are virtues that come from experience, practice, and trust in one'sself

-I shall try my hardest, fortify my mind and spirit, and prevail without giving in to failure, frailty, or ill will.
-I shall grow, mature, and better myself to place myself in an optimal position for attaining my goals and achieving my purpose.
-I will justly and morally defeat obstacles in my path, destroying nothing and no one.
-I will be.
-At the end of my span, I will know that I have tried everything possible to determine my use and to embody that use, for the betterment of myself, my faith, my family, my country, or my planet.

Current mood: curious

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1:00PM

i'm slipping

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1:54AM

just saw bad boys II. not bad. pretty fun. i had a rough time with a few of the scenes...mostly the funeral home stuff and the coffins, all of which were replicas of Pops..

my neighbors are away and the driveway guys are coming at 8 so i backed into their driveway for the night, so i dont have to wake up so early and move my car. i noticed in a pothole type thing in their decrepit driveway a squirrel...intact...motionless, not squished-looking....eyes open... but decidedly not alive. i tapped it in the butt with my foot before i was able to distinguish that it was actually a squirrel... i dont *think* i ran it over. i sure hope not. dunno what it would be doing out at night anyway. i dont know who would have been aroudn today to kill it, except the lawn guys that came to their house but.. no blood that i could see.. odd.

oh, and i saw finding nemo a week or two ago. great movie. :)

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7:02PM

i forget to breathe when i do pushups.




odd

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9:01PM

So Nana's brother has passed... poor woman. Dad went to the wake and heard all about the funeral. Nana's bro. was a volunteer fireman in his tiny town, Montgomery, NY, for years and years and years... His wake had supposedly 200 men in dress blues (firefighters) there, as well as a bunch of officers... The funeral procession had a firetruck in it (the truck would have carried his coffin, but it was built wrong, so it had to follow the hearse). They toook the procession past his house, laid wreaths at his flagpole, went past the firehouse... all around town, it seemed, and then to the Montgomery cemetary, same one Papa and a lot of my relatives are buried in. It sounds like one heck of a way to have a final ceremony. If only I could go out in the same way.

How morbid.

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11:31AM

Nana's brother (my Dad's uncle) passed away last night. I wasn't too close to him, but I still feel pretty bad. Nana lost her husband (my Papa) in May, and now her brother in July. She's been up near him on and off for a month and a half on "death watch"... What a horrible year for her. I don't know how she's still going.

It's hell to be old.

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9:04PM

Saw a squirrel get raped in my birdbath today. Was disturbing. I rememberd my first semester Philos. class when my prof. told us other animals raped, it wasn't just a human thing, but our other evils were prettymuch just for our species. I didn't believe him when he said birds and certain fish and dolphins, etc, raped. I asked him how he knew (I had never seen or heard of such a thing). I didnt know how someone could say "Hey, that bird isn't consenting!"..... well.. this squirrel made it pretty clear, though I won't type all the details. Ew.

Bizarre. Disturbing.

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2:03AM - Don't waste time on this. It's long, boring, and my own little vent.

There was a big accident outside of work today (which is going really well, I like the kids so far). A lady lost control after trying to avoid a tanker truck that slid across Rock and into a phone pole. She drove about 50 feet forward, 15 feet off the road, headlong into some bushes and the side of a business. Cops closed the road, two firetrucks responded, I could hear the 'jaws of life' from inside my building, which was right next to the accident.. I'm not really sure whether the old lady lived or died. I know it was an elderly lady because Jay went outside to investigate while I stayed with the kids. I never heard an ambulance siren speed away. It's scary. That could've been someone's grandma. That could've been mine. She's startin to lose it, and on a wet, slippery day, with a tanker truck crashing in front of you.. That could easily have been it.

Speaking of grandmas reminds me that it's been a month and a week since we buried Papa. Time moves so wierdly. It feels like a year since I carried his casket and spoke at the funeral. It feels like a week since I saw him at Easter. It feels like ages since I've seen him smile. Or healthy. It feels like yesterday since I saw him in a casket at the wake.
Man.

We're ordered the headstone, finally. It should be pretty. It's a double-wide so there's room for Nana. How morbid. I don't want to accept that's even a possibility, just as I never wanted to accept that Papa would go eventually to. He suffered so much, but so strongly. Not one complaint in those last 8 years. I hope Nana gets it easier. I hope we all do. I know I want mine quick. Suddenly in my sleep, or suddenly when I'm awake and doing something worthwhile, either way.. My dad wants me to shoot him before he gets too old and sick. Of course I'd never do it. But it's not the first time he's talked like that. It's sorta scary, because I wouldn't put it past him I guess. He's proud, like Pop. Pop fought through it though.. Wow, this is turning into a novel. And I was just in the beginning of unloading, too. Oh well. I'll bottle it and save it for another installment. I'll look back and see this... and I wonder if I'll feel any differently about anything. About life....

People change...but it's tough to realize when it's yourself that's done the changing.

Goodnight. God bless.

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1:29AM

We saw a drunk driver tonight. She and her pals were leaving the Porchlight grill and we were in 711 parking lot. they were talking to us as they got in their cars. She almost got in four auto accidents on the way out of the parking lot. three woulda been kinda minor taps, one was almost a big slam.. i don't have any idea why i didnt call the cops and give them her plate number. it was pretty irresponsible of me... and her. i hope she didnt slam into any innnocent people. or for her family's sake, that she didnt slam into anything at all. some people are just assholes. people who drink and then get behind the wheel are horrible people. like child molesters and rapists and murderers. drunken drivers murder. theyre irresponsible, they are out of line, and they are a menace. i hold no respect for people who have such disregard for their safety or the safety of other innocent lives. i hope she got arrested.

good night. be safe. don't be an asshole. don't get hit by one either.

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8:14PM

Things don't feel 'right' anymore.

In fact, there's not much in the way of 'things' even.

I haven't done much this summer, though I know I want to and I know I should. There's videogames to be played, runs to go on, hikes to take, rollercoasters to conquer again, frisbee to be tossed, music to be played.

And I've done nothing. For three weeks of my life, with no other responsibilities yet to take up other time.
Nothing.

Nothing but think every once in a while. And every person knows that thinking not only prevents problems -- it *is* a problem.

Something is not right.

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11:47PM

Even though this is somewhat heretical in and of itself... here goes:
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

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